Diffractions

Sitting alone in my car with my fries looking through facebook feeds that don’t concern me at all. This most likely, at least in my eyes, makes me a loser. Someone engrossed in everybody elses lives except my own. Deciding I am a discard and yearning for others attention that I think I don’t deserve. I don’t know why I’m like this. Why I’m so ant-social. Maybe it was because of high school, and the fact that I never really had people in my own grade to talk with. Always with one boy to control and be with. Somewhere somehow I fell off the bus, and have not gotten on. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of intimacy and getting along with others but I hope its something I can get to aleviate with my doctor. I also need to hang out with other people more. I’m so tired of my social group being limited to my boyfriend and choir kids. I wish linda would want to hang out. I hope rachel and I -really- hang out over break, and I want to make us REAL friends. Not any informal crap. I hate that I’m so fucking formal. Blegh.
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What I learned this semester is that I am a late bloomer and that my OCD has gotten in the way of a lot of critical development in my brain. I know I am smart, however there are things I should have learned a long time ago. Confidence I should have instilled in myself in high school. I am sad that “getting better” is going to be hard for me, but I am glad I am able to recognize all of my short comings.

I got straight B’s this semester. I am disappointed that I can’t be an A student right now. I would like to blame my job for getting in the way of my study time, my boyfriend for bringing obtrusive emotions, my living situation that  brings me anger, and my own inner critic that brings me down when it is counter productive to do so. Not to mention my severe procrastination. I am hoping next semester, jazz will implement some work ethic skills that will help me with classes, and life overall. I am hoping I will be able to work less and or find a better job.

I need some humility. I am not hot shit. I am so weird. Not confident, yet over confident. I am not sure which i need to clean up.

Second to last performance, maybe ever in chamber choir. I feel.. Sad because I have been in this choir for so long. I feel scared that my talent level is limited to chamber choir and that I won’t excel in jazz ensemble. I feel sad for my singing career that may not ever be. And I feel sad I did not establish myself as well as I could have in chamber choir as a leader and assistant to Dr. Ball. I don’t know if these feelings are justified or if I’m overly emphasizing myself in the big picture. But I do know I will miss these kids and even Dr Ball. I don’t want to leave cypress, and I know this is the first step in doing so. I don’t want to grow up.. Maybe I already have. Which is why I’m so averse and unhappy in my old job and old positions. Time to break free and “see if I can fly” so to speak ):
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